Drifting Away

oh hi blog, im back. After a VERY long time, i’ve decided that i felt the need to pour all of my lonely feelings into my blog, I apologize blog for the amount of loneliness i’m about to type into you. Well, it (was) the holidays and I visited Philippines, after 6 years i’m back (i’m still here as of right now) and i’m missing te first two weeks of school. Yaay…??? or Nay? turns out it’s a little bit of both. Let’s see…
Yay: NO SCHOOL
Nay: I have to catch up on so much work
Yay: I’m seeing my family after six years!
Nay: My “friends” are drifting away.
heyo, look at that. The biggest Nay of all. I no longer have friends! At school anyway. My closest friend who understands and supports me happens to go to another school (damn it) and ALL (and I do mean all) my friends who I used to be so close with has chaned so much and it feels like I’m being left behind and that I no longer know them. Great, I’ll be hanging with complete strangers. They used to not be into all those beauty products and wonder why on earth, everyone else was so obsessed with them. But, the tables have turned because they’re officially obsessed too and I’M NOT. They’re associating themselves with new people I’M NOT and worst of all, they don’t realise i’m hurt. Even the people who i’m not that close with noticed (before I went to Philippines anyway) I’m afraid that my “friends” will reveal things to those new people about me which I’ve wanted to keep a secret while I was gone but I no longer know, they don’t contact me that much anymore and well quite frankly, I feel lonely.
I’m sorry blog for inflicting this much loneliness on you but I really needed to say it somewhere and to someone and you were there when no one else was.

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Not True! (sequel to Disappear)

OK, so Im all goods with, fiona, alex and jay now but still not good with Diandra (if you have absolutely no idea who im talking about see: Disappear ) So, Jay misheard me when I was walking away from Diandra and thought I called her a bitch but I DID NO SUCH THING I was just mumbling for fucks sake because she wouldn’t tell me why she was so upset with us. I just got so angry so I was mumbling that and well he thought that I said something else ugh. 

Disappear

Today, I tried to help my friend (let’s call her Diandra, not her real name btw) because Diandra told me the other day that she was scared that this other girl (who will be called alex, not her real name) would take her spot in our friendship of three. So I hung out with her and I asked her what was wrong and stuff and tried to communicate with her but she never responded. I got mad, like really mad. I had made an effort to help her but she denied it, so I went away and NO ONE went to look for me. Not Alex, Not Diandra, Not my guy friend (who we will call Jay) and NOT my other friend in our friendship of three (let’s call her fiona). I sat down on the concrete, thinking. I came back to get changed to my proper uniform as I was in PE gear and NOT Jay, Alex, Diandra OR Fiona came up to me and asked where I went! They didn’t even acknowledge me there when my other guy friend (who sorta comes and goes) did and I wasn’t even that close to him! Plus TWO other girls, who I wasn’t that close with also noticed! Yet my CLOSEST friends in that HORRID school DIDN’T. Then I was ABSOLUTELY mad. They HAD NOT noticed I had disappeared and didn’t care. It’s as if all I was, was just a puff of smoke to them, As long as I was gone they wouldn’t go search for it. I could disappear and no one would notice. I had a burning sensation down in the pit of my stomach and it was hate. But I didn’t hate on them exactly. So I sorta just highly dislike on them. I ditched them after school and didn’t walk with them. Diandra sent me a direct message (a long with other people) viewed it and didn’t like or comment (which, weirdly enough, is a big deal to us) and most of all, I haven’t chatted to them and that’s sorta a daily thing. I’ve never felt like this. I’m mad, sad and pissed off at the same time, But strangely enough I’m slightly happy. Although I don’t like being alone and the  way they treated me was absolute horse crap, I was glad that Diandra (who is commonly hated for her obsession of boys and depression because of boys) was off my shoulders. That Alex and Fiona (who are both very annoying actually) are also off my shoulder but the person who I will miss the most is Jay because he was my best guy friend and I’ve lost him to Diandra. One final goodbye to Jay. Goodbye.

Fake.

Ok, so i have such a bad gut feeling now. I’ve seen the way that my “friends” say they hate another person but pretend to be all nice and shit to them but now, I realize what if that’s what their doing to me. What if I’m just SO blind to see the fact that I actually have no real friends. What if they backstab ME in THEIR free time. That feeling is getting to me and It’s all just hit me now. I’ve made such messed up choices in my life and I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. I want to just cry, but no tears are coming out. I want to jump off a cliff, because it hurts way to much to finally figure out that what if my “friends” arn’t actually my friends at all.

Cross Country – whoever came up with it is crazy!

Ok, so cross country was yesterday and well, forgot to update my blog about it. So, basically ii came 62nd out of 140+ people so yeah, Tbh the course and itself was pretty fun i mean, hell yeah it was hell but it was a fun sorta hell. That’s all! -for now anyway- and yea cya

All by myself (don’t wanna be, all by myself!! Anymore!)

Haven’t updated in a while, although I should have, I haven’t (oops) School is completely and utterly boring with a few interesting spots here and there but if I told you, I would have to tell you from the beginning and that’s hard so I’m just going to talk about how much HOMEWORK is piled onto us! I mean compared to our old teacher, this new teacher gives us TRUCKLOADS of homework. Okay, a  bit of a exaggeration when I say truckloads but still waaay more then my old teacher did! Let’s move away from this (new, but boring) subject and talk about why I called this post: All by myself (don’t wanna be, all by myself!! Anymore!) and the reason for it is, well as I’m writing this, I’m semi-alone. Semi alone? Wtf is that lara? Well, my mum isn’t here, she’s a at a conference, overnight, but my flatmates (who happens to be VERY close family friends) is here, so that makes me semi-alone. Yeah. I don’t like being alone (at times, I do but right now? No. Not really.) I’m so tired and its 10:35 and I should really be getting some good sleep for tomorrow as it’s my cross country but ehh, I think I’ll read some “Looking for Alaska” first and then go to sleep. Well, good night all!

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Sore backs and sore legs

Lets just say, like every school, you have fitness everyday and yesterday, our teacher decided to make us go through hell. Making us do REAALLYY tiring stuff IN THE RAIN. And well I woke up with a sore back and sore legs. Ugh. Well then. They are not progressively getting better. Whats worse is that i have netball and hopefully I will be ok to play becase if not then ugh, this is the 3rd-4th time ive missed netball because of ome sort of injury or sickness. Also, is it possible for someone to like you and you have never talked to them or even know them? Because im in that situation some dude likes me at school and i’ve never met him or talked to him… umm what? Yeah. I guess thats it.

Mean Tricks. (Help!)

Well, ok, so theres this girl… shes really annoying – like REALLY- and shes my friend but shes like one of those friends who you dont really like but you do (confusing i know) and well another friend of mine thinks so too and wants to play a trick on her… shes planning to get my not-but-yeah friend’s crush and get one of her friends to date him just to get my not-but-yeah friend jelous and im included in the maybe pile of doing so. BUT one of the insiders (who know about the trick) is friends with my not-but-yeah friend and even though she PROMISED not to tell my not-but-yeah friend, im scared that she will and well yeah. The thing is that the girl whose plotting it is part of the ‘in’ crowd and i just want to fit in and even though i find my not-but-yeah friend annoying shes still a very close friend of mine and i dont want to hurt her. Help?!

First day back.

Not much to report to be honest with you, but maybe a new crush :) but you don’t want to know about that. But (like i told you before) we (my class and I) met our new teacher and surprisingly she’s pretty cool, very sporty and kind but it is just the first week. My friend (who will not be named for her protection) says that her brother (or sister, don’t remember) had her before (because she used to teach at my school) and apparently after the first week, she’s a right-down meanie (I was going to say something else but I don’t want to use that kind of language) so, I don’t really want to say anything yet but yeah… also surprisingly (so much surprises, I know) the class was quiet today, which is abnormal. Yeah, not much to report,

School – Damn.

hell school starts tomorrow and I yet to be ready for it. I’m so sick of all the drama (although young, I still have drama) and I honestly don’t want to go. It gives me more reason not to go because we have a new teacher (its the middle of the year and our old teacher had to leave for Singapore) and well to be frank, she doesn’t seem as fun as our old teacher. I wish that I was allowed not to face school. I have no friends at school, the only ones I have go to another school (quite inconvenient if you ask me) and well they’re the only ones who understand. I wish I had more to write to make myself seem more interesting but I don’t and I hope you can forgive me.

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